By now, most of us are wading in discarded wrapping paper, and wondering what to do with all of the leftovers in the refrigerator. I sincerely hope that your Christmas was spent remembering the TRUE meaning for the season. Our Christmas celebration was very different this year, and, in fact, is not over yet. Chelsea and I went to Arkansas over the Dec. 17 weekend (which would have been mine and Roger's 30th wedding anniversary - wonderful memories, but bittersweet) so that she could spend a quick weekend with her grandparents. I am going back over New Year's to celebrate again with them, and with my oldest brother's clan. Then, she and I will fly to Los Angeles the first weekend of January to visit with Jordan and Jessica, and to have our Christmas with them. I got to be with Isaiah for his Christmas morning, and got some precious video and lots of love.
2011 is ending up quite a bit differently from what I ever expected. My heart is heavy, as my marriage is ending, as well. I will not go into any details, and only ask for your prayers as things are sorted out. My heartfelt prayer is that God's Will be done in this most stressful situation, and that, if it IS His Will, that I be allowed to remain in Isaiah's life. It will take God's intervention for that to happen, but that precious child of my heart is foremost in my mind. I know that God will take care of him, no matter what, but it is hard to hand him over, praying for some rights, and for his protection, and wait for the answer.
I guess I have learned a lot of lessons from this experience, and as my wise son said, if I learn from my mistakes, it hasn't all been in vain. I do know that God can make even our worst mistakes work for good, and if nothing else, I believe that I was there to help Isaiah get into a safer place, and to place some things in his heart that he will hopefully remember throughout his lifetime. I have also learned that I have had to ask for forgiveness for all of the times I have judged others. I know I face a lot of judgment and condemnation, and truthfully, a lot of that will be self-inflicted, but I also know that there is NO WAY to know all of the circumstances of another person's life, nor to know what is going on behind the scenes. I know from personal experience that you can put on a smile for the world, and cry many tears behind closed doors.
As you have noticed, my posts have been very sporadic lately, and that is largely due to the turmoil I have had going on in my life, and quite honestly, because I am so embarrassed to be in a place that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be in. However, I decided to share some of it so that others who are hurting - and hiding - can know that there is no one in this world who will remain untouched by a tragedy of some kind. I was going through some old sermon notes again today, and ran across one that said, "Maybe we are tested the way we are, so that when we are wounded, others will be able to see the essence of Christ bleeding out." Yes. I need to be so filled with Christ that my wounds bleed HIS very essence. It is a struggle right now, but that is the person I truly desire to be.
And, it has brought the true meaning of the Christmas season home to me in such a different way this year. Because, if not for the tiny baby born in a manger so long ago, I would have no hope; no comfort; no love to sustain me during this new trial in my life. I am eternally grateful that God looked down, and knew I would need a Savior. He knew I would need a Healer. He knew that I would need guidance, forgiveness, and love, and He sent His only Son, to hang on a cross to make my life worthy. I may be losing a step-son (and may not be, only the Lord knows that), but God understands that, too. He has walked every path I could possibly imagine walking in this life. He loves me; He forgives me; He has plans for me; and He keeps me firmly
In His Grip,