Roger Bennett's Midnight Meditations

Remembrances and Revelations

Happy Memorial Day. This is a day that has come to mean many things in our culture. Like most holidays, it has become so distorted from its original intent; society wants to make it about another big sale at the mall, opening day of summer, party time! And that is all exciting and good, but let us never forget....... Originally begun by freed slaves after the Civil War to thank the fallen soldiers who had secured their freedom, the holiday became an official way to remember ALL fallen soldiers, regardless of the war in which they had fought. So, on this day, I remember with great honor all of those brave troops who have paid for our freedom with the greatest sacrifice of all. And, to those who returned from battle, and have since joined the ranks of the fallen, we also pay tribute. The best soldier I ever was blessed to know was my Daddy, Robert L. (Bob) Westbrook. He served as a very young man in WWII, in the 3rd Army, 3463rd MM Ordnance, in the European theater. On Memorial Day, 2012, just a few weeks shy of turning 90, Daddy got his final promotion. Oh, how I miss him! The youngest of four siblings, and the only female, I was a bona fide "Daddy's girl". He taught me so much, and he was an amazing example of how a man should treat a woman. Thank you, Daddy, for all of the sacrifices you made so that we could live a better life. During this week, I've had a revelation about another type of freedom, too. For years, I have had a very difficult person in my life. I allowed myself to give in to the oppression of lies that this person continually throws my way. Even though my head knew that they were lies, my heart would shrink with each barb that was hurled. During yet another difficult exchange, I began praying for strength (I'm ashamed to say I got caught up in the moment before I stopped to pray.....), knowing that the truth was right before me. In that moment, I had an epiphany. Actually, I know that God sent the Holy Spirit to whisper in my ear: "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." (John 8:32) I stopped right there, and felt such a peace wash over me. I thought, "Lord, is it really that simple?" And I felt God's smile as He patted me on the back and said, "Yes, child, it really is." You see, I John 5:6-12 tells us that God's truth is more powerful than any "truth" (or lie) spoken by man. And when you or I have the reassurance in our spirits that we are abiding by the truth that God has spoken to us, there is freedom. Freedom from the torment of listening to lies and wondering how to refute them. Freedom from the anxiety that comes from anticipating attacks. Freedom from the bondage of being held captive by words that are spoken in hatred and bitterness. For the first time in years, I feel truly free from the hold of those lies. And while a soldier on the battlefield didn't die for my right to that freedom, JESUS did die for just that reason, and for all of the other worldly lies that Satan tries to tell us to keep us from God's eternal love. Don't buy into it! Don't waste precious years with turmoil in your heart. Allow God's peace to wash over you and set you free from anything spoken against you that isn't from the One Who loves you with a passion that you can't even fathom! HE is the TRUTH, the WAY, and the reason we can all rest in freedom, IN HIS GRIP!! Debbie

Coming Out of Hibernation

Wow - it has been a long time since I wrote. It has been a long season of self-imposed silence for me. So much has happened in the months since I last posted, and for my lack of forthcoming, I apologize. I'm pretty adept at self-analysis, and I've been doing a lot of that. Couple that with the fact that I am afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder, that was worse this year than ever, and I decided to wait to write until I felt more like myself again. (For those who don't know what S.A.D. is, just call it "winter blues", but on steroids....) The promise of Spring is waking me from those doldrums. Actually, there have been many factors, and I've been just plain TIRED.  I'll try not to drone on and on, because it would take a book to write all that is on my mind. Last Monday, March 10, would have been Roger's 55th birthday. For those who follow me on Facebook, I posted a note about this. (You may "friend request" me on FB - Debbie Westbrook Bennett....but I only confirm if you tell me via message HOW you know me. There are a lot of dishonest people out there, and if I don't immediately recognize your name, I don't respond, sorry.) It is hard to imagine Rog at 55, but I know he would be just as handsome, just as personable, and every bit as lovable. Maybe a little more gray, but I always did like that! As Chelsea wrote, we probably would have had dinner out, gone to a movie, and then hung around Barnes & Noble. That was a party to him here on earth......imagine the party he has every day in Heaven! Following closely on the heels of March 10 comes March 17. I ceased celebrating St. Patrick's Day 7 years ago, when on that date in 2007, Roger left us for a much better place. Even though time passes, and you learn to survive, and function again, those significant dates bring a fresh pain. The last moments are re-lived, and no matter how hard you may try, those days just invite sadness. I've chosen to try to make a difference, rather than sit around moping all day. On the one year anniversary of Roger's home going, I was blessed to be able to join the ranks of volunteer courier for the National Marrow Donor Program, and 6 years later, I still enjoy being able to donate my time to helping others have a second chance at life. I am on a trip again on this date, this year, and it's a privilege to be able to mark this anniversary in this way. We all grieve differently, at our own pace, and in our own way. I'd like to encourage others in a period of grief to reach out to someone in some way. It truly helps, it feels good, and it's a great way to honor the life of someone you love. Roger's life here on earth was all about reaching out to others, and I know he would smile knowing his influence and his legacy live on. During my hiatus, there have been many highs and lows. I've experienced the loss of an aunt and an uncle, and two beloved pets. There have been stressful situations in relationships, another minor car accident (not my fault this time either - I seem to be a magnet!), and difficult decisions to ponder. HOWEVER, there have been blessings beyond measure at the same time. God has seen to that! As I stated, I still have the ability to courier, transporting life-giving cells. Also very dear to my heart, The Veranda is growing by leaps and bounds, with new friends joining constantly. While I don't get to be there the three days a week it is open, I try to go once weekly, and that varies due to travel, weather, etc. We moved into new quarters just before Christmas, and the joy of loving on those precious "seasoned citizens" is unspeakable. Please pray for our ministry, as we seek to expand into speaking engagements, and also as we deal with growth. I've made new, wonderful relationships, as well as maintaining the older ones, and I am never at a loss for friendship and love. I am so blessed! My children continue to thrive, and this Mom's heart is full of love, watching them live their lives. Chelsea blows my mind with her spiritual gifts, and while working an almost-full week at Mac Authority, she continues to lead in a shepherding/mentoring position 3 days a week at her church. I've seen tremendous things happening in her life, and I can't wait to see where God is leading her. She is living at home with me right now. (Two single women trying to keep up that big place - it's an adventure of its own!) Jordan and Jessica have recently moved to a different suburb of Los Angeles, and they keep so busy with their careers, it's hard to catch up to them. Chelsea and I got to spend Christmas in California this year with them, and Jessica's parents, and while it was different, it was so much fun! Isaiah will be 5 this summer (!!!) and is a delight. He is growing so fast, and has an incredible mind. I thank God all the time for allowing me to be a part of his life, and the bond between Chelsea and him is amazing.  Roger's dad, Doug, is doing well, although this harsh winter has kept him inside a lot, too. I know he is looking forward to Spring like the rest of us, and Cardinals baseball! So is my mom. She is spending some extended time visiting with her one remaining brother in Texas, and will go back and forth periodically, as she is able. She was sick for several weeks this winter, and has had a harder time bouncing back. I was able to go down and celebrate her 80th birthday with her in February, although the party we had planned for her got thwarted by icy weather. We will make that up to you, Mom! There is much more to relate, but enough is enough for now. Next time, I will write some meatier things, but for the present, an elaborate update will have to do. Please know that I cherish the comments, emails, FB posts, and, mostly the prayers that you send my way. Also, please understand that while I may have written more of the "blues" than I normally do, I am fine, and I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I've had a rough winter..... A lot of people have! But through it all, I have held fast to the comforting reassurance that I am held securely, lovingly IN HIS GRIP! Debbie 

A Guest Blogger

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the homegoing of a dear friend. His wife, one of my closest life-long friends, wrote a blog entry of her own. Her feelings so closely mirror my own, and so many of yours, that I asked her permission to share it with the readers of this blog. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and her words, even though coming from her own grief, will encourage and lift you up in your own circumstances. Please say a prayer for Rhonda and her family, as they relive a life-changing day, while also celebrating a life well-lived. She is a believer that God holds us faithfully

In His Grip!

Debbie

 

My daughter, Laura, asked me to be her guest blogger today.  The reason is not a happy one, for this day marks the 10^th anniversary of the death of her father and my husband Mike Henderson.   I first started writing this blog as if I was speaking for all of us (my three children and me) and then I realized I couldn’t speak for all of us, only me.  I know my children have grieved differently from me and even from one another although they experienced the same loss.  They have tried to protect me from their pain and I’ve tried to do the same for them.  Grief is such a personal journey.  Although there are many similarities in each journey, they can be as unique and different as each person.  So, I will only speak for myself today.

September 26, 2003. 9:14 pm. UAMS. Death came. Lives changed forever. We traveled the three hour trip home from the hospital in the back seat of our dear friends’ vehicle.  All four of us, side by side holding on to one another in silent disbelief.  As I stared blankly out of the car window, the same thought rolled over and over in my mind, “This is the worst day of my life.”   And even now, ten years later, this day still brings back that same feeling of helplessness and despair.  Images and sounds engraved in my mind forever. The heartbreaking sound of my baby daughter crying out, “Daddy, Daddy” as she fell on her daddy lying in the hospital bed.  My sweet Laura lying with her head in my lap as we listened to her daddy’s labored breathing during his last few hours.  Waking up to the sound of my son as he lay weeping on my bedroom floor that first night without his daddy.   Lying face down on my closet floor day after day begging God to let me see him one more time knowing He would not answer my prayer.  We went into the cancer journey with Mike Henderson expecting the best yet experiencing the worst.

Today, I still don’t have any answers.  I still don’t know the purpose of Mike’s death other than he was one of the favored ones for he received his reward early.  I still haven’t figured out my purpose now that he is gone other than the same one given to all believers which is to further the kingdom of God.  And just like in the beginning of this journey, I often feel disconnected, lost and floundering. Even though I have healed, I still hurt. There is a hole.  An emptiness.  A cloud.  Happy times, sad times, fun times, normal times…it’s there.  Like the proverbial white elephant in the room.  It’s just a part of who I am now.  It is not what I want for myself but I have accepted it as part of this life that I’ve been given.

Surely after ten years, I should have something profound or wise or super spiritual to say. Surely I would have learned something that would make everything right and purposeful. All I can seem to think of is that through it all I’m thankful for my salvation and for the Bible. The Bible has been my constant guide and comfort.  It is the Truth even when the truth hurts.   My salvation through Jesus Christ alone is my Hope for eternal life and keeps me looking upward.  That’s all.  

At one point in his cancer journey, Mike wrote, “It’s easy to forget that God is in control, that all that happens is filtered through His love and plan for me. I know it’s true!”  This reminds me of the child’s prayer, “God is great, God is good”.  God is great (sovereign and in control). God is good (loving and kind). Sometimes it seems the two contradict each other. How can cancer be loving and kind?  How can leaving three children without a father be a part of God’s Sovereign plan? How can a loving Father send His only Son to die for someone like me? It doesn’t make sense; yet trusting in the Truth that God is in control and He loves me is what brings the most comfort and peace. Yes, He is filtering all that happens through His love and His plan for me. How did Mike know this was true? How do I know this is true? The Bible tells me so.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is in John 6.   After a long day of listening to Jesus’ teaching, a group of followers turned away when the cost of believing in Jesus was too great, His words too offensive.  Jesus then turns to his disciples and says, “Will you go too?” Peter replies, “Where would we go? You have the words of eternal life. You are that Christ, the Son of the Living God.”  When my mind is full of questions and heartache and the tears will not stop. I think of that question Jesus asked, “Will you leave, will you go, too? Is the cost too great? ” And my response is the same as Peter’s,”Where would I go? You have eternal life, you are that Christ.”  You are great. You are good.  You are my salvation.

 

Ten years. September 26, 2013. Mike’s death forever changed our lives. A part of God’s sovereign plan.  But more importantly, his LIFE changed us.  A part of God’s love.  We have great memories that make us cry and laugh and praise God for the blessing of knowing and loving him.  Not a day goes by that I do not wish he was here with us and oddly at the same time I rejoice that he has received his reward early. For I know that my worst day, September 26, 2003 was Mike Henderson’s best day.  It was his heaven day. His faith became sight.  One day.. I will get to heaven and I will see Jesus, my Saviour, The Living Word of God.  One day I will be with Mike longer than I was without him. One day my worst days will be no more. One day…one glorious day.

Another Marker of Time

(First, let me apologize for the inappropriate comments that show up occasionally on here - seems spammers are everywhere. Second, I think some may have misunderstood from my last post; I am not discontinuing this blog in favor of Facebook - it's a joint thing! Third, I hope this time's a charm; my computer has thwarted me twice already today while trying to post....now on to the real thing!)

Today marks 6 1/2 years since I said goodbye to Roger here on earth. I think the "1/2 year anniversaries" are always so fresh because they happen right at NQC time. I went this year, but only for two days. It was great to visit with friends. Two days is definitely not long enough to see everyone, but I was as tired as if I'd stayed all week!

As is typical, I've been staying on the go, between volunteering at the Veranda; making a few courier trips to transport bone marrow and cells; traveling every other weekend to get Isaiah for a visit; and a trip to Arkansas. I think I'm just about to realize that I'm not as  young as I used to be! While I was in Arkansas, I had the very humbling experience of meeting with the committee in Strawberry (Roger's home town) who is constructing a beautiful permanent memorial to Roger. It is going to be incredible, and I have some work to do to help. I can't wait to share pictures, ideas, and dates for its completion. It is far above anything I could have imagined, and it shows a lot of love and respect by the community. Completion dates are not determined yet, and they are in need of some more funding to make the finished memorial happen. Trust me when I say it is a wonderful project, and they are doing a first-rate job on it, with the help of many people, organizations, and companies who are donating time, materials, and general help. I wanted to share this so that some of you, who may feel led, could make a donation and be a part of this, too. For now, any donations may be sent to Roger Bennett Direct at P.O. Box 681075, Franklin, TN 37068-1075, and I will get them to the designated account in Arkansas. PLEASE put "Roger Bennett memorial" on the memo line. Time is of the essence, as they are working to finish before the cold winter sets in. They already have the 16 foot concrete wall erected, concrete poured in front, and of course, site work done. There will be granite and stone on the front of the wall, benches, and a flower garden, as well. Thank you in advance for your help.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have really been struggling the past weeks/months, and I just don't know why. I can't pinpoint anything exactly, but I think loneliness has a lot to do with it. There are days, that although I know this is not true, I feel like it has been those 6 1/2 years since I've been loved. I just have to pull myself up out of that place and keep going. I'm also finally making some steps toward getting my home ready to sell. I've lived here longer than I have anywhere in my entire life, and emotions are constantly in the forefront. I know this place is too big for just Chelsea and myself, but it does carry a lot of wonderful memories, and we love the peace this land affords. I plan to stay in the general area - Tennessee is "home" - but I don't have a clear direction, so I'm not rushing things. Some may look at that as procrastination, and perhaps it is to an extent, but I don't want to make a hasty decision that could be more of a mistake than anything. Meanwhile, I am very grateful for friends who help me out, and who help me focus on steps I need to take to proceed!

The family is doing well. Roger's dad, Doug, has had some health issues, but is better now, and my mom recently had surgery to remove a cancerous growth from her hand. She is recovering nicely, and the pathology report showed that it was all removed - PTL! Chelsea is working hard, and also leading a group at the School of Spiritual Life that she attended last year. I'm very proud of her Christian walk. Jordan and Jessica hardly have a free moment, they stay so busy in California. However, they breezed in and out this past weekend for a wedding, and we got some great visiting time in. It looks like we will celebrate Christmas in California this year, and although it will be different, I am looking forward to it. Isaiah is growing like a weed; he started Pre-K this year, and has already been bestowed the honor of "line leader" for a day, because as he told me, he "followed the rules". Yay!

Life goes on, often in very unexpected ways, but it does go on. As Roger left this earth that Saturday morning 6 1/2 years ago, I leaned over him and whispered, "We will be okay. Just go meet Jesus, and we will be there soon." And we are. The kids are great. I am okay. But no matter what curve balls life may throw at us, we can have the assurance that God still has a plan. It's good to know that we are held firmly

In His Grip!

Debbie

Still Around

OK, I know it's been the longest stretch yet since I posted, but I am still alive and kicking. I've purposely avoided writing for a few weeks, as I've had a period of "dryness", both in writing, and in my personal life. I've struggled a lot lately with loneliness, and trying to find direction in my life. I tend to internalize when this happens, and I send apologies for the absence.

I know we all go through seasons of wandering; I am no different. While in the middle of it all, I know that God is still directing my paths - I've just not been able to see where He is leading. That is often the case with many of us. But just because we can not see His plan, it NEVER means that He is not with us. He never moves, never changes. When I feel distant from His voice, it is not because He is not speaking; it is because I may be too busy to hear it.

So, while I keep busy with way too many irons in the fire, at the end of the day, I come home to a lonely place. I am working on this. I am my own cheerleader, and I constantly remind myself to count all of my blessings, which are abundant, and more than I deserve. There is a purpose for me, and I look forward to figuring it all out. I am truly blessed beyond measure with the volunteer work I do; with my family and friends; with still having Isaiah in my life; and oh, so much more!

I am taking this weekend to visit with a friend, and I will write more later. I just wanted to let you all know that I am still here, and ask you to pray for me as I seek His Will.

Thank you for hanging in there with me! I pray that your life is filled with blessings and peace. It should be for all of us, because we are held safely and lovingly

In His Grip!

Debbie

P.S. Some of you have asked how to follow me on Facebook. Send me a friend request, and a private message, telling me how you "know" me. I am happy to add anyone, but I don't respond to those with whom I have no friends in common, or can't figure out where I might know you from - not being snooty, but there are a lot of hackers out there, and I try to be careful. My name on FB is Debbie Westbrook Bennett. See you there!

6 Years Later......

A big week this week, a big month, the month of March. It always comes in like a lion in my life, regardless of what the weather brings. So many memories of the end of a life, and even with the passage of time, those memories are very vivid. I always dread this month as it approaches. Now, having said all of that, and admitting that, yes, there have been a few "blue" days, I am happy to say that this year is a little less difficult than the last year......and the year before that, etc., etc.

I've perused many video clips and photos, and told several anecdotes pertaining to Roger recently. They bring more joy now than pain. Yes, there are still tears; yes, there are still days of intensely missing his presence; yes, I'd love to talk to him again. But, it is true that time is a healer. More than that, it is very true that GOD is able to heal a hurting heart. I am thankful for the memories of a life with Roger. I am grateful for the legacy he left behind. I am humbled by every story, comment, incident that anyone relates to me regarding him. We have all been blessed by his life, in one way or another. The "ripple effects" of his existence on this earth are more far-reaching than he would have ever believed.

Yesterday, March 10, would have been his birthday. March 17 will mark 6 years since he was promoted to his Heavenly reward. In ways, it seems like it is not possible that it's already been 6 years. In other ways, it feels like he has been "away" for 1000 years. But, as the pastor said while speaking at Roger's funeral: "We will be with him a lot longer than we will be without him." That is a repetitive source of comfort to many people.

Life marches on. We are all doing well. I will also mark 5 years this week of service with the National Marrow Donor Association. I am so honored and blessed to be a part of this organization. I will be taking a trip this week, and have had several opportunities this year to serve. It's something I truly enjoy doing. I am also keeping busy with my volunteer work at the Veranda, although I've missed a few times lately, due to illness, or travel with the courier trips. Please pray for this work. It has the usual "new endeavor" hiccups, coupled with financial needs, but it is such a worthy venture. I can never walk away from a day there without a huge smile on my face. There is never a shortage of laughter and smiles there!

Chelsea is set to go to England the 1st of April on a 3 week mission trip, so I know she would appreciate your prayers as she embarks on that journey. Jordan and Jessica are staying very busy, as well. Isaiah is growing like a weed, and brings so much joy to our lives. He is a precious child!

Thinking about the "ripple effects" of Roger's life makes me also think about what "ripples" I am leaving behind. We all affect others, whether we are aware of it or not. This week, I am going to concentrate on those things I will leave behind when I am gone from this earth. I encourage you to do the same. My goal is to make those around me aware that, no matter what life brings us, we are able to rest in the knowledge that God holds us securely and lovingly

In His Grip!

Debbie

P.S. - I've posted pictures and videos on my Facebook account, so if you have access, check those out!

2013 Is Passing Quickly!

Once again, I have been remiss in my postings. I do apologize. It seems that I just haven't taken the time to sit down and compse my thoughts, and now that I have, I have too much to say! I've said it before, but I will try to do better in the coming year than I have lately.

The holidays were more difficult this year than they have been in a few years. I'm not sure of all the reasons why, but I do know a few: This was the first Christmas without my Daddy; I had a car wreck the week before Christmas, which left me sore and unable to do all I needed/wanted to do with a houseful of guests; and, for whatever reason, I just felt very lonely. However, it was good to have friends and family around, and God was protecting me in that wreck; so many things that could have happened, did not, and I only sustained minor injuries, which are being helped with chiropractic care. The person at fault had insurance, and will cover my losses, and it could have been so much worse than it turned out. I confess that there are still days that I have to work hard at smiling. As many of you know, Tracy and Libbi Perry Stuffle (and family) are going through some very difficult times, after Tracy suffered a stroke, and is in ICU. For some reason, his journey has thrown my mind back to the days I walked that same path with Roger, and it has made me relive those days in great detail. With that pain, though, comes the realization that God brought me through that experience, and He will be with me whatever comes my way. Please remember to pray for Tracy, Libbi, and family as they await God's plan for their lives.

This past week, I had the unique opportunity of traveling across the ocean (to a VERY cold country!), delivering bone marrow. While I was there, I took a couple of days to sightsee, and had a great time seeing a new place. I was glad to go, and even more glad to come home. As I was approaching the Nashville airport, I knew that storms were predicted, and I was hopeful that I'd make it home before they hit. Flying at 36,000 feet, all I could see were fields of white, fluffy clouds, and the clouds in the distance looked like tall white mountains. The light was brilliant against them, at just before 5 pm, and there were hues of orange and pink beginning to show. It was so gorgeous, I wished I could take out my camera and capture the picture, but there were no electronics allowed at the time. Then, as we began our descent, the clouds became more gray; the air got a little bumpier; the light began to fade; and, as the city came into view, all of the beauty of what I had just seen, faded with it.I was struck with the thought that "above the storms", God holds beauty and light for us that is awesome.....and the farther away from Him we descend, the darker our lives will be, as the storms move in on us. Yes, I know that God doesn't reside up in the clouds, but the analogy was there anyway!

I hope your year has started out with renewed purpose, hope, and love. God wants to be our shining light, sharing His love and beauty with us. Our job is to soar above the storms, and remain close to Him. That's the best place to be:

In His Grip!!

Debbie