Roger Bennett's Midnight Meditations

A Guest Blogger

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the homegoing of a dear friend. His wife, one of my closest life-long friends, wrote a blog entry of her own. Her feelings so closely mirror my own, and so many of yours, that I asked her permission to share it with the readers of this blog. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and her words, even though coming from her own grief, will encourage and lift you up in your own circumstances. Please say a prayer for Rhonda and her family, as they relive a life-changing day, while also celebrating a life well-lived. She is a believer that God holds us faithfully

In His Grip!

Debbie

 

My daughter, Laura, asked me to be her guest blogger today.  The reason is not a happy one, for this day marks the 10^th anniversary of the death of her father and my husband Mike Henderson.   I first started writing this blog as if I was speaking for all of us (my three children and me) and then I realized I couldn’t speak for all of us, only me.  I know my children have grieved differently from me and even from one another although they experienced the same loss.  They have tried to protect me from their pain and I’ve tried to do the same for them.  Grief is such a personal journey.  Although there are many similarities in each journey, they can be as unique and different as each person.  So, I will only speak for myself today.

September 26, 2003. 9:14 pm. UAMS. Death came. Lives changed forever. We traveled the three hour trip home from the hospital in the back seat of our dear friends’ vehicle.  All four of us, side by side holding on to one another in silent disbelief.  As I stared blankly out of the car window, the same thought rolled over and over in my mind, “This is the worst day of my life.”   And even now, ten years later, this day still brings back that same feeling of helplessness and despair.  Images and sounds engraved in my mind forever. The heartbreaking sound of my baby daughter crying out, “Daddy, Daddy” as she fell on her daddy lying in the hospital bed.  My sweet Laura lying with her head in my lap as we listened to her daddy’s labored breathing during his last few hours.  Waking up to the sound of my son as he lay weeping on my bedroom floor that first night without his daddy.   Lying face down on my closet floor day after day begging God to let me see him one more time knowing He would not answer my prayer.  We went into the cancer journey with Mike Henderson expecting the best yet experiencing the worst.

Today, I still don’t have any answers.  I still don’t know the purpose of Mike’s death other than he was one of the favored ones for he received his reward early.  I still haven’t figured out my purpose now that he is gone other than the same one given to all believers which is to further the kingdom of God.  And just like in the beginning of this journey, I often feel disconnected, lost and floundering. Even though I have healed, I still hurt. There is a hole.  An emptiness.  A cloud.  Happy times, sad times, fun times, normal times…it’s there.  Like the proverbial white elephant in the room.  It’s just a part of who I am now.  It is not what I want for myself but I have accepted it as part of this life that I’ve been given.

Surely after ten years, I should have something profound or wise or super spiritual to say. Surely I would have learned something that would make everything right and purposeful. All I can seem to think of is that through it all I’m thankful for my salvation and for the Bible. The Bible has been my constant guide and comfort.  It is the Truth even when the truth hurts.   My salvation through Jesus Christ alone is my Hope for eternal life and keeps me looking upward.  That’s all.  

At one point in his cancer journey, Mike wrote, “It’s easy to forget that God is in control, that all that happens is filtered through His love and plan for me. I know it’s true!”  This reminds me of the child’s prayer, “God is great, God is good”.  God is great (sovereign and in control). God is good (loving and kind). Sometimes it seems the two contradict each other. How can cancer be loving and kind?  How can leaving three children without a father be a part of God’s Sovereign plan? How can a loving Father send His only Son to die for someone like me? It doesn’t make sense; yet trusting in the Truth that God is in control and He loves me is what brings the most comfort and peace. Yes, He is filtering all that happens through His love and His plan for me. How did Mike know this was true? How do I know this is true? The Bible tells me so.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is in John 6.   After a long day of listening to Jesus’ teaching, a group of followers turned away when the cost of believing in Jesus was too great, His words too offensive.  Jesus then turns to his disciples and says, “Will you go too?” Peter replies, “Where would we go? You have the words of eternal life. You are that Christ, the Son of the Living God.”  When my mind is full of questions and heartache and the tears will not stop. I think of that question Jesus asked, “Will you leave, will you go, too? Is the cost too great? ” And my response is the same as Peter’s,”Where would I go? You have eternal life, you are that Christ.”  You are great. You are good.  You are my salvation.

 

Ten years. September 26, 2013. Mike’s death forever changed our lives. A part of God’s sovereign plan.  But more importantly, his LIFE changed us.  A part of God’s love.  We have great memories that make us cry and laugh and praise God for the blessing of knowing and loving him.  Not a day goes by that I do not wish he was here with us and oddly at the same time I rejoice that he has received his reward early. For I know that my worst day, September 26, 2003 was Mike Henderson’s best day.  It was his heaven day. His faith became sight.  One day.. I will get to heaven and I will see Jesus, my Saviour, The Living Word of God.  One day I will be with Mike longer than I was without him. One day my worst days will be no more. One day…one glorious day.

Another Marker of Time

(First, let me apologize for the inappropriate comments that show up occasionally on here - seems spammers are everywhere. Second, I think some may have misunderstood from my last post; I am not discontinuing this blog in favor of Facebook - it's a joint thing! Third, I hope this time's a charm; my computer has thwarted me twice already today while trying to post....now on to the real thing!)

Today marks 6 1/2 years since I said goodbye to Roger here on earth. I think the "1/2 year anniversaries" are always so fresh because they happen right at NQC time. I went this year, but only for two days. It was great to visit with friends. Two days is definitely not long enough to see everyone, but I was as tired as if I'd stayed all week!

As is typical, I've been staying on the go, between volunteering at the Veranda; making a few courier trips to transport bone marrow and cells; traveling every other weekend to get Isaiah for a visit; and a trip to Arkansas. I think I'm just about to realize that I'm not as  young as I used to be! While I was in Arkansas, I had the very humbling experience of meeting with the committee in Strawberry (Roger's home town) who is constructing a beautiful permanent memorial to Roger. It is going to be incredible, and I have some work to do to help. I can't wait to share pictures, ideas, and dates for its completion. It is far above anything I could have imagined, and it shows a lot of love and respect by the community. Completion dates are not determined yet, and they are in need of some more funding to make the finished memorial happen. Trust me when I say it is a wonderful project, and they are doing a first-rate job on it, with the help of many people, organizations, and companies who are donating time, materials, and general help. I wanted to share this so that some of you, who may feel led, could make a donation and be a part of this, too. For now, any donations may be sent to Roger Bennett Direct at P.O. Box 681075, Franklin, TN 37068-1075, and I will get them to the designated account in Arkansas. PLEASE put "Roger Bennett memorial" on the memo line. Time is of the essence, as they are working to finish before the cold winter sets in. They already have the 16 foot concrete wall erected, concrete poured in front, and of course, site work done. There will be granite and stone on the front of the wall, benches, and a flower garden, as well. Thank you in advance for your help.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have really been struggling the past weeks/months, and I just don't know why. I can't pinpoint anything exactly, but I think loneliness has a lot to do with it. There are days, that although I know this is not true, I feel like it has been those 6 1/2 years since I've been loved. I just have to pull myself up out of that place and keep going. I'm also finally making some steps toward getting my home ready to sell. I've lived here longer than I have anywhere in my entire life, and emotions are constantly in the forefront. I know this place is too big for just Chelsea and myself, but it does carry a lot of wonderful memories, and we love the peace this land affords. I plan to stay in the general area - Tennessee is "home" - but I don't have a clear direction, so I'm not rushing things. Some may look at that as procrastination, and perhaps it is to an extent, but I don't want to make a hasty decision that could be more of a mistake than anything. Meanwhile, I am very grateful for friends who help me out, and who help me focus on steps I need to take to proceed!

The family is doing well. Roger's dad, Doug, has had some health issues, but is better now, and my mom recently had surgery to remove a cancerous growth from her hand. She is recovering nicely, and the pathology report showed that it was all removed - PTL! Chelsea is working hard, and also leading a group at the School of Spiritual Life that she attended last year. I'm very proud of her Christian walk. Jordan and Jessica hardly have a free moment, they stay so busy in California. However, they breezed in and out this past weekend for a wedding, and we got some great visiting time in. It looks like we will celebrate Christmas in California this year, and although it will be different, I am looking forward to it. Isaiah is growing like a weed; he started Pre-K this year, and has already been bestowed the honor of "line leader" for a day, because as he told me, he "followed the rules". Yay!

Life goes on, often in very unexpected ways, but it does go on. As Roger left this earth that Saturday morning 6 1/2 years ago, I leaned over him and whispered, "We will be okay. Just go meet Jesus, and we will be there soon." And we are. The kids are great. I am okay. But no matter what curve balls life may throw at us, we can have the assurance that God still has a plan. It's good to know that we are held firmly

In His Grip!

Debbie